


Poison

by dainochild



Category: Christian Bible, Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blasphemy of the highest crackiest callibre, Crack, M/M, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 22:31:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3505166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dainochild/pseuds/dainochild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taking inspiration from Max Goof in cinematic classic 'A Goofy Movie', Jesus tries to get Lucifer to notice him in the most public, karaoke way imaginable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poison

**Author's Note:**

  * For [An anon on tumblr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=An+anon+on+tumblr).



Jesus H. Christ was a loser. People had been laughing at him for as long as he could remember, but they weren’t gonna laugh any more after today. Jesus had a plan to show the entire school how totally radical he was and also win the heart of the angel of his dreams, Lucifer Morningstar. Or at least get Lucifer to notice him. It was like Lucifer didn’t notice him at all, off surrounded by beautiful people like the head cheerleader should be, not talking with a loser like Jesus H. Christ…….

"It will work," Jesus declared. "For my father is the principal."

With the help of his best friends, Peter and Judas, Jesus crashed the end of year assembly. He lip-synced and danced to Groove Coverage’s ‘Poison’, which was actually an Alice Cooper song, but Jesus thought Alice Cooper might be a bit too dark for someone as bright, radiant and happy as Lucifer. The entire time, Jesus sought out Lucifer’s face in the crowd. He found him, wearing heart-shaped sunglasses inside, looking either horrified or totally amazing at Jesus’ sick moves.

It would have been perfect, had Judas not betrayed him. Betrayed him by calling his dad, who came down upon Jesus with his wrath.

"JESUS THIS IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE FRIENDS," God boomed. "THIS ISN’T COOL. THIS IS DORKSVILLE. MY SON, YOU’RE A WEENIE."

Everybody in the school laughed at Jesus. Even Lucifer.

Jesus cried and ran away. It wasn’t fair! He tried so hard to be cool, but nothing worked. Nothing would make Lucifer see him how he wanted to be seen.

—

Lucifer heard Jesus crying and felt kinda bad. Jesus was kind of a nerd but he was just a loser. Lots of people were losers. They didn’t need to cry about it in public and give Luci a migraine.

"What would make someone stop crying forever," Luci wondered.

He knew the answer.

—

That night when Jesus was doing next year’s maths homework, he actually got a text message. It was from Lucifer!!!!

"hi bbz foght u mite want2 c" it read. Jesus didn’t understand until after he googled it. "Hi babies, thought you might want to see."

Attached was a picture of Lucifer’s penis.

Jesus cried for ten years.


End file.
